Hacking the Good Days...
So it was a long day – lunch with 2 girlfriends, coffee with M, helping little Em with her homework on Marco Polo (and I made up a lot of the answers), dinner at home. The wounds of my wisdom teeth extract sites actually hurt. Probably it’s because of the stitches that are too tight, and there’s no blood going to my left lower jaw for a week.
Not to be an anti-Feminist here, but when girls get together we naturally talk about life. And when we talk about life, we talk about men. M’s three golden rules were still in complete integrity – someone you marry gotta be (1) humorous (2) hardworking and (3) loves his mother. There are just so many people out there who are either hardworking OR funny, not both – while there are people who are not funny but they think they are. That’s really hard, because you feel bad about telling them that they are not funny. The hardest patch would be those who are funny and cute, but not hardworking. You have great time with them, but you realize that is not sustainable, so you have to leave.
And it’s very hard to be kids sometimes. I like to quote Li here, ‘your mother will always see you as her daughter, but as you grow, you are more than just a daughter to her’. That’s right. I have been meeting interesting people recently, and I learnt that a couple decided not to divorce because of their kids. Given my age (between being a daugther and a parent), I pleaded my friend to not assume that their kid don’t know nothing about what’s going on between mommy and daddy. I just amaze me to no where when parents assume that their kids don’t see through the problems in their marriage and pretend that things are still okay. Sometimes I feel that some of my friends who have troubles in their relationships because their parents acted as if nothing happen, and that has forever scared my friends.
Anyway, I know. If you’re a man reading this, you may not be following the passage, i.e. wondering the coherence of the passage. Amazingly enough I’m pretty sure that most women get what it is. Right. I’m so patronizing and condescending. I should probably go back to school for even more sociology 
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The quote Cathy refers to comes from HBO TV movie ROME, when future Caesar Octavian says to his mother during a quarrel, “I may still be your son, but I am no longer your child.” (roughly, close enough). the point is, one day we all realize it is no longer wise to assume our parents alway know what is best for us, and we must assume full responsibility for being an adult by knowing for ourselves, what is best for us.
Just talked to my dad about this today. Seems that he disagrees with this (i.e. parents still know the best)…
Which reminds me another saying, ‘parents think that they know their children the best, but actually kids always know the parents better than what the parents can possibly imagine…’ (also roughly paraphasing)
I’m a guy, and I followed your post perfectly, and I even agree with your checklist on marriage prospects.
You’re also right that kids are incredibly sensitive and know exactly the state of their parents’ relationship, even if they can’t articulate it. They will pick up on tension in in the marriage, and it translates to anxiety that can be very destructive. There’s no way you can hide what’s going on, so you might as well level with them: “We’re not sure that we’re still in love and we’re deciding whether to stay married. But whatever happens, we still love you and we’ll always take care of you.” It won’t be that easy, but that’s the best way to reduce the kid’s anxiety – most kids can deal with an unpleasant truth, but freak out at being lied to.
I can’t speak to the mother/daughter relationship, but I know it’s complicated. For for father/son, it comes in three stages. First, you idolize him and try to measure up to him and be just like him. Second (around age 12-13) you reverse course and try to separate yourself as much as you can and be his polar opposite. And finally when you’re feeling more secure in yourself, you spend the rest of your and his life building a new relationship that may or may not have anything to do with the old one. It never goes that smoothly, and there are lots of things that can go wrong, but that’s the usual trajectory.
And as for the mother/son thing, that’s really complicated.
Anyhow, all the best and I hope your teeth feel better.
- Bruce
Hey, Bruce. Yes, I’m so going to forward your comments on kids-know-what’s-going-on to the friends that I mentioned… And that’s very interesting perspective from a guy – I always think that guys do follow their dad, but not sure how the reverse polar opposite works. Sounds like it’s hard to be a father – and yes – I absolutely agree that there mother/son is tricky. Especially for the daughter-in-laws who ever try to compete with the moms… no way man. Absolute loose-loose situation here, houston.
PS: The stitches have been taken off today and I feel much better, thank you.