Comments on: I don’t understand men.. (of course, I doubt they understand us, either)

By: cathyma

cathyma — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 03:57:36 +0000

Hey, Bruce. Yes, I’m so going to forward your comments on kids-know-what’s-going-on to the friends that I mentioned… And that’s very interesting perspective from a guy – I always think that guys do follow their dad, but not sure how the reverse polar opposite works. Sounds like it’s hard to be a father – and yes – I absolutely agree that there mother/son is tricky. Especially for the daughter-in-laws who ever try to compete with the moms… no way man. Absolute loose-loose situation here, houston.

PS: The stitches have been taken off today and I feel much better, thank you. ;)

By: Bruce Taylor

Bruce Taylor — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 10:54:02 +0000

I’m a guy, and I followed your post perfectly, and I even agree with your checklist on marriage prospects.

You’re also right that kids are incredibly sensitive and know exactly the state of their parents’ relationship, even if they can’t articulate it. They will pick up on tension in in the marriage, and it translates to anxiety that can be very destructive. There’s no way you can hide what’s going on, so you might as well level with them: “We’re not sure that we’re still in love and we’re deciding whether to stay married. But whatever happens, we still love you and we’ll always take care of you.” It won’t be that easy, but that’s the best way to reduce the kid’s anxiety – most kids can deal with an unpleasant truth, but freak out at being lied to.

I can’t speak to the mother/daughter relationship, but I know it’s complicated. For for father/son, it comes in three stages. First, you idolize him and try to measure up to him and be just like him. Second (around age 12-13) you reverse course and try to separate yourself as much as you can and be his polar opposite. And finally when you’re feeling more secure in yourself, you spend the rest of your and his life building a new relationship that may or may not have anything to do with the old one. It never goes that smoothly, and there are lots of things that can go wrong, but that’s the usual trajectory.

And as for the mother/son thing, that’s really complicated.

Anyhow, all the best and I hope your teeth feel better.

- Bruce

By: cathyma

cathyma — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 10:27:10 +0000

Just talked to my dad about this today. Seems that he disagrees with this (i.e. parents still know the best)…

Which reminds me another saying, ‘parents think that they know their children the best, but actually kids always know the parents better than what the parents can possibly imagine…’ (also roughly paraphasing)

By: Li

Li — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 07:15:30 +0000

The quote Cathy refers to comes from HBO TV movie ROME, when future Caesar Octavian says to his mother during a quarrel, “I may still be your son, but I am no longer your child.” (roughly, close enough). the point is, one day we all realize it is no longer wise to assume our parents alway know what is best for us, and we must assume full responsibility for being an adult by knowing for ourselves, what is best for us.