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We Chinese have a lot of stories to tell.  Handy metaphors.  Stories that make you think.

This one starts with a man who married his childhood sweetheart.  He loved her dearly, unfortunately she was very fragile and was [...]]]> The priest stood up and told us a story about the man and his 4 wives.

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We Chinese have a lot of stories to tell.  Handy metaphors.  Stories that make you think.

This one starts with a man who married his childhood sweetheart.  He loved her dearly, unfortunately she was very fragile and was always sick.  He decided to marry his second wife ,who was very shrewd, to help take care of him and his business.  This wife managed the day-to-day of this man and his family brilliantly.

He also learnt that a very beautiful woman in her village was in need of financial support.  He thought, ‘Might as well!’ and married this beautiful woman.  Unfortunately, they didn’t really have much to say to one another.  He felt good having helped her family out, but that was it.  So when he actually met the soulmate of his life, he was so happy that he married this woman as his forth wife.  Someone he could connect to, someone he could confide in.

One day he was asked to embark on a long journey, a journey that he knew he was not going to come back to, and that he’d be gone forever.  He could only pick one wife to go with him.

His first wife said to him, ‘I love you very much my dear, but I am so weak I will only be your liability.  Please go without me and I wish you very well.’

What about his beautiful wife?  At least he could enjoy her lovely presence?  ‘No, thank you.  As you know we don’t have much to say to one another.  I just don’t think it would be nice for us to travel such a long trip together.’

She had a point.

He then asked his soulmate.  ‘Yes, I would absolutely love to come with you, but I can only walk with you so far in the journey as I will need to turn back.  Is that okay with you?’

He thought, no, that’s not okay.  He needed someone who would be there for him for the whole journey.

He asked his last wife.  The wife that managed his day-to-day life.

‘The moment I met you I am destined to be with you.  There is nothing that can set us apart.  We will go onto this journey together and I will be there to hold your hands when you need me.’

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The first wife, is actually our body.  We are born with a very fragile and delicate body.  It can only go so far with us, and there are many things that can bring it down.

The beautiful wife is a metaphore for fame and fortune.  Beautiful at first, glamourous to the others.  We can’t, however, speak to them, or feel loved or connected with all that externalities.

The soulmate wife is our friends and families.  People we love, people we care about.

The journey is our life.  We are all going to cease.  Despite the love and care in the world, our families and friends can only travel with us so far.  They have yet to turn back or embark on their journey themselves.

The competent wife?  She is our heart.  Our heart and soul are the only constant, the only permanent fixture that will travel far with us no matter what.  It is much more worthwhile to cultivate our heart, our soul, than the pursue of things.  Life starts, and hopefully ends, with compassion.

Aren’t we all spiritual beings having a human experience?

To my father, Simon Ma (1953-2011)

It’s funny how just 3 years ago my tech friends would literally shudder when they heard the term; as too often marketing terms get spinned around and completely lose their real meaning.  Think of terms like ‘Web 2.0‘, ‘taxonomy‘, ‘the cloud‘.

But there’s [...]]]> Many times I am asked, what is social media?

It’s funny how just 3 years ago my tech friends would literally shudder when they heard the term; as too often marketing terms get spinned around and completely lose their real meaning.  Think of terms like ‘Web 2.0‘, ‘taxonomy‘, ‘the cloud‘.

But there’s something more about it.  This time.  This term.  Social Media.  It’s been staying and sticking around for the past 3 years.  As of recent, some of us would just dropped the word ‘media’ and focus on ‘social’ instead.  What is it?

The truth is, business and marketing aside, if we look at the intrinic needs of most of us, it’s about to attach and connect, to be soothed and feel belonged.

This is why when you broadcast about your product on Facebook people would block you; talking about yourself all the time you get unfollowed.  But if you provide meaning, value, purposes to others, or even just being plain fun, cool, or randomly interesting, you get more traction and respect.  The internet (and it’s more user-friendly layer popularised by platforms like Facebook and Twitter – which is how I define ‘social media’) is technically new, but not sociologically.  Satisfy someone’s wants and needs, and they would like to keep connected to you albeit the medium.  Be there for others, and they will follow.  It’s too much of a cliche, but really, give to take.

Image on yogicquote

Photo credit to Leo Reynolds

Just came back from a special talk at the Foundling Museum that really blew my mind away.

I have always been very interested in the attachment theory, in terms of the way we bonded as children affects the way we relate to others as we grow [...]]]>

Photo credit to Leo Reynolds

Just came back from a special talk at the Foundling Museum that really blew my mind away.

I have always been very interested in the attachment theory, in terms of the way we bonded as children affects the way we relate to others as we grow up.  I guess it’s all a bit common sense; you can’t look forward without looking back.

This talk was by the elegant and graceful Dr Alysa Levene, ‘Bonds of love and affection at the London Foundling Hospital in the eighteenth-century‘.

Over 18,000 babies and young children were left at the Foundling Hospital between its opening in 1741 and the end of the eighteenth century. We know almost nothing about the emotional experiences of any of them. However, we can tease out something of the emotional bonds that existed between these children and their parents by examining the letters and tokens left with them. Very few of these children were ever taken back by their families, but this was not the end of their experiences of family life. Most were sent to be wet nursed in foster homes in the countryside, and here too, we can see some evidence of their experiences via the letters written by the inspectors of nurses back to the hospital. Not all of these experiences were happy, but this talk will illustrate how much the Foundling Hospital records can tell us about mothering, nurture and the model of childhood in the eighteenth century.

We were told that some mothers did try their best to at least leave the hospital with their children names, in hope of being able to recognise and retrieve their own children.  Sadly very few managed to come up with the means to pick up these children, and also not that many of them survived.  Given that back that in London almost half of the children die before they reached teen age, it was hard to imagine the hardship back then.

What’s most touching about this museum is that it is full of display of the tokens and threads created by these mothers out of desperation and love for their children.  You can see little hand sewn heart that had been tagged along side of the record of the children, as well as little notes left with them,

‘Go gentle babe…

And all thy life be happiness and love’

It was heart breaking.  But also up-lifting to experience the residue of parental love, despite hundreds of years have elapsed in between.  If you have time for a little stroll around Russell Square, I’d recommend this museum most highly.

And if you’re not based in London, you may want to check out this TED talk on vulnerability which I found as fascinating,

‘Connection is why we are all here.’

‘In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen.  To be really seen.’

‘People who have a strong sense of worthiness and the people who do not, there is only one difference.   It is that people who have a sense of worthiness believe that they were worth of love and belonging.’

Enjoy!

1.  A [...]]]> Some of you who followed my blog may notice that I tend to write a reflective piece (like this and this) towards the end/beginning of the year.  Every year I was surprised by much learning/people/inspiration that came into my life; for that, I thank you.  Here is my list for 2010,

1.  A filled up or empty bottle won’t make noises.  Bottles that are half-filled are the noisiest.

That’s actually a Chinese proverb.  I learnt that there words are messy and actions speak louder.  Sometimes in order to be heard it’s not about being loud, but to be quiet.  When you speak little but only speak when there is something meaningful to say, people listen.  If you shout, you almost prove that point that you are not worth listening to.  Most powerful way to be listened to, however, is to speak with actions.  Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend who is grieving is just to say nothing and sit next to them.

2. Inaction can be the most powerful action

When life gets bit tough and confusing, it can feel like you’re lying under water when a pebble hitting the river bed.  At times like this, it’s best to be still.  With stillness you can look inwards and listen to yourself; what is it, why are you not happy?  You may get a new perspective and realise that you are not even standing in the river you want to be in.  Time to move on.

3.  You can’t control everything in life, but you can be good to yourself

This classic research shows that lack of control is more likely to induce ulcer in animals despite the same level of shock administrated.  It is unfortunate that we have no control on many things in life.  From a taoist point of view, pursuing the infinite (the many things we won’t be able to change) with the finite (our limited being) is a dangerous path.  Next time when you are angry with the ‘thing’ at work, at other people, at the tube strike, just let go and accept the fact that you have no control over.  And notice the shortness of breath that happens when you are angry.  Why don’t give your feet a tennis ball massage, get a nice haircut, or treat yourself your favourite magazine/book?

4. It feels good to assume the goodness in human nature

This mini saga story that I posted before is worth repeating here on this topic,

The waitress repeated, “Medium $3, Large $3.50.” The kid had emptied his pocket. He had $4 in total. The waitress was getting impatient. Five minutes. Finally, the kid asked for a medium scoop. Later, the waitress came to clean and swallowed hard. There was $1 bill left as a tip.

Read more: http://www.rajeshsetty.com/2010/10/04/mini-saga-61-thoughtfulness/#ixzz1A6YwG2Po
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike

On ‘I have no enemies’,

“Hatred can rot away at a person’s intelligence and conscience. Enemy mentality will poison the spirit of a nation, incite cruel mortal struggles, destroy a society’s tolerance and humanity, and hinder [...]]]> by Liu XiaoBo’s speech in accepting the Nobel Peace Prize 2010, with exerpts below (more about Liu),

On ‘I have no enemies’,

“Hatred can rot away at a person’s intelligence and conscience. Enemy mentality will poison the spirit of a nation, incite cruel mortal struggles, destroy a society’s tolerance and humanity, and hinder a nation’s progress toward freedom and democracy. That is why I hope to be able to transcend my personal experiences as i look upon our nation’s development and social change, to counter the regime’s hostility with utmost goodwill, and to dispel hatred with love.”

On mutual respect between Liu and the Chinese officials whom imprisoned him, and why he has faith in China,

Mini Saga #61 – Thoughtfulness

The waitress repeated, “Medium $3, Large $3.50.” The kid had emptied his pocket. He had $4 in total. The waitress was getting impatient. Five minutes. Finally, the kid asked for a medium scoop. Later, the waitress came to clean and swallowed hard. There [...]]]> Another great post from Setty’s blog:

Mini Saga #61 – Thoughtfulness

The waitress repeated, “Medium $3, Large $3.50.” The kid had emptied his pocket. He had $4 in total. The waitress was getting impatient. Five minutes. Finally, the kid asked for a medium scoop. Later, the waitress came to clean and swallowed hard. There was $1 bill left as a tip.

Quality.

It also boils down to one’s ability to assume good faith.  How many times you are the waiter as opposed to the little boy?

It’s tempting to imagine that women could be forceful and self-confident without being arrogant or jerky, but that’s a false hope, because it’s other people who get to decide when they think you’re a jerk, and trying [...]]]> I picked up on Danah’s post commenting on Clay Shirky’s post on ‘A Rant about women’,

It’s tempting to imagine that women could be forceful and self-confident without being arrogant or jerky, but that’s a false hope, because it’s other people who get to decide when they think you’re a jerk, and trying to stay under that threshold means giving those people veto power over your actions. To put yourself forward as someone good enough to do interesting things is, by definition, to expose yourself to all kinds of negative judgments, and as far as I can tell, the fact that other people get to decide what they think of your behavior leaves only two strategies for not suffering from those judgments: not doing anything, or not caring about the reaction.

I am usually very private and do not discuss anything personal on my blog, but this topic is too close to heart and here is what I learnt:

1. Stereotypes sometimes contain some good schemata for us to quickly categorise and ‘manage’ people,  but not always true: My experience tells me that there are men who suck as self-promotion, there are also women who put themselves out there and talk themselves up.

2. You don’t need to talk and act like a ‘man’ to get respect.  You need to be good at what you do and be proud to tell other people succinctly. This does not discount your respect for other people, but it means that you are STRONG enough to stick to your gun when you guts tell you that you KNOW what you’re talking about.  People can doubt you, but not yourself.  Same lesson for men and women.

3. Everyone has their own insecurities and things that they wish they are better at.  I am still struggling at times of projects that I have no prior knowledge to – but do I rant/share my fear?  To be honest, I would just do it.  Research, ask questions, think, use your bloody brain, talk to someone who is good, hire someone to do the part you are not sure about and focus on your strength.  At the end of the day – focus on the deliverable – if you’re passionate and conscientious about your clients’ work, it comes across.  Whether you are a man or a woman.

4.  I love how Tom Coates put it in bigger perspective,

And while encouraging people to spot the talented and the creative, we should also be considering how we shame those people who self-promote without creating. The financial collapse has taught us that rhetorical bubbles divorced from reality are a danger to us all. We’re already approaching this point – our industry has become venal, insular and dominated by marketing. We have come to value the wrong things. And if we want a continued vigorous, creative, free, open and equal environment, that’s something we have to fix. It’s not something to aspire to.

Time to get real.

5. Finally – I am not actually arguing against Clay, I just want to clarify that women and men might communicate differently, but none needs to be arrogant/ego-maniac to gain respect.  What I note is that when I work with younger people (I’m sorry to generalise), they tend to focus too much on ‘what I can learn from you’ and ‘how I can help’ instead ‘I know what I am talking about and here is what you should be doing.  I can help you with this and that’.  To be fair, I do see more men talking with the latter perspective, which is pretty handy in building confidence with people you work with.  Having said that, I do talk like that too… and I’m a woman.  Damn proud of it.

In sum, the key thing is:

Don’t let other people decide who you are.  You know best, and with trust and compassion in yourself you stand tall. A weak ego usually comes big, because they need all the fluff to fill in the room.  But there is little substance, or foundation of trust in it.  When it bursts, nothing stays because it’s all air in it.

A small but strong ego is a beautiful ego.  It is quiet.  But when it speaks, people listen.

There were two brothers who lived on the 80th floor of a building.

They went out together for a party without noticing there’s no lift service on the day.  The brothers were very frustrated when they realised that they were kind of doomed, but they decided [...]]]> Here is a Chinese story,

There were two brothers who lived on the 80th floor of a building.

They went out together for a party without noticing there’s no lift service on the day.  The brothers were very frustrated when they realised that they were kind of doomed, but they decided to slowly start climbing the stairs flight by flight.

By the 20th flight, they decided that they were going to drop their heavy knapsacks and planned to pick them up the next day.

By the 40th flight, they started to blame and yelled at one another for not being attentive and missed the notice.

By the 60th flight, they came to accept fate, slowly and peacefully they inch up and eventually reach to their door.

Only then, they realised they left their keys in the knapsacks…

If the keys are like our dream and passion and vision when we have in our 20s: With all the pressing needs in life, like paying off loans, getting a mortgage, finding a partner, raising children, many of us decide to set our dreams aside.  Eventually we work hard and move up, from the beginning till the end, in our 40s we start blaming one another for not having the vision and strength to carry forward.  And then we come to accept fate and become serene for the rest of our journeys in our 60s.  At the end, do you have the keys with you?

Where are you and your keys?

I read the story and something switched today, thought it’d be nice to share with you.  Thanks for swinging by.

Got me thinking,

Happiness is a 1/0 thing.
Imagine you are a happy person, you make someone happy, and that someone makes someone else happy, [...]]]> Someone made me happy today, and I thought I was happier and I defined that as (1+x%)happy. And then I was asked ‘can you be more than 1 happy?’

Got me thinking,

Happiness is a 1/0 thing.
Imagine you are a happy person, you make someone happy, and that someone makes someone else happy, like butterfly effect it triggers down.

1/0 happiness seems like a probable notion. Sorry it does sound like an xkcd strip .

But something said by a yogi inspired me the other day, ‘Have no fear. Not courage, because courage is a reaction to fear. Have no fear, and peace be with you. And that is beautiful’.

So it got me to conclude that ‘Be not sad. Not happy, because being happy is a reaction to sadness’.

Well doesn’t make too much sense, does it? I think it’s time for a good glass of wine.

A wonderful thoughtful exercise created by Erik on Flickr, beautiful.